20 days solves almost everything.
A month solves even more.
For all the girls out there struggling because they dated a turd, a douchebag, a Kanye West of social media, a guy who didn’t read books for fun, a guy that refused to let you change the lyrics in the car when you sang along, or just a guy…that wasn’t a guy enough for you.
A month post-breakup, my current relationship status is as follows in 31 reasons:
(and believe me, this is a magical transformation from LaFern):
1. Taylor Swift “Blank Space”
Currently, I feel like this, and tonight, I sang this into an egg beater and danced around in monkey boxer shorts. Fromage also sang aloud which I think makes it both a little more sad, and a little less Risky Business.
“So it’s gonna be forever
Or it’s gonna go down in flames
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They’ll tell you I’m insane
‘Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game”
2. If you’re a subliminally cute guy that smiles at me, I’m simultaneously planning your death and all your future babies (and their names).
3. I told my students today. It wasn’t pretty.
“Man, she better not be datin’ nobody. Ain’t nobody hittin’ that. Her fingers going to be stale.”
“What happened? Who are you dating next? ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?”
“I totally have an older brother.”
4. My friends have resorted to trying to set me up, which resulted in texting a dude three times and then he cut me off because he had already banned girls from the city in which I live. I think my small town gets enough nasty, but apparently, the girls suck too.
5. I’ve stopped listening to Ariana Grande, “Break Free” on my run because there is no more SHIT to break free of. You’re welcome.
6. I no longer flail angrily when I run. Last week, on an early morning run, I actually stopped in the street and started dancing.
7. I’m kind of thankful my whole dating life can be summed up in a Taylor Swift album.
8. I’m starting to believe in the beginning of the movie “No Strings Attached,” but I can’t be that girl.
9. During tug-of-war in my classroom today when we argued offensive arguments, mine was “Boys want girls with standards, but have none of their own.” Whoops. (PS. This was really a teachable moment if you were in my classroom).
11. I’m leaning very heavily on getting a dog. I even went and looked today.
12. I can make fun of my single life on Twitter.
13. I joked last night that clubs and bars should play a “Single Gentlemen” parody just so chicks can tell who’s single (Where’s Beyonce when you need her)?
14. I have a LONG list of requirements for the next guy, it’s the one I should have written when I was seven, but now number 1 is “motivated lumberjack man.”
15. I’m a great and safe date to weddings in the near future to all my guy friends.
16. I can drive to Charlotte on a day off and see my best friend and eat french baked goods and then not feel bad about it later and have to force myself to go to the gym. (This might be the best one).
17. I can send rude texts to boys without feeling many repercussions.
18. I can put boundaries on my love. Which everyone should do. Stop peeing with the door open, that’s not a sign of love, it’s a sign of roommatedom.
19. I’m single just in case Charlie Hunnam is looking.
20. I’m way past “cry in the shower” stage.
21. My male cat is so much happier being the almost number one man in my life (Daddy will always take that slot).
22. No one can say my ex-boyfriend helped me win fantasy football (he played no part).
23. I was a cause of concern for my brother. He even used the word “pussy” as an adjective to my mother.
24. I can go to graduate school without concern for time management.
25. I have so much more time to dedicate to my students WHO ARE HEROES.
26. I got to name the copy machine at work that always breaks down and is missing toner constantly by my ex’s name. He also doesn’t save trees. Scum.
27. All my dishes go in the dishwasher as soon as I finish with them.
28. Remember that bathing suit he didn’t like because it “showed too much,” I’ll be in that suckaaaa ALL summer (okay, so maybe that’s a bit of hateful left).
29. I can be picked up for a date, and brought flowers, and wined and dined, and romanticized. Line up, men folk.
30. When fresh out of a relationship, your friends constantly tell you how amazing you are. We should build walls up around these things.
31. My Mom officially said, “Think of all the fun you’re having. You’re really doing okay,” as if she actually believed it today. And she should because life is TOO WILD.