So, I got broken up with this week. (There should be a verb for that. If you know another language – do they have a verb for that. Teach it to me in the comments). It pretty much happened just like that.
“How was you day? Okay. How was yours? It was great, except I don’t think we should date anymore.”
And I had milk stuck with sweat to Walmart plastic bags in the car, some eggs, a few lunchables for days when I just can’t pick out what to wear and I need an easy lunch to grab because I’m running late.
Like other twenty-six year old girls with two cats, emotional baggage, this idea that they’re good luck chuck, a wall of closets, and people who have been texting them all day checking to make sure they eat, I decided to compose a list for this blog about things that happen when you g[r]o[w] through a break-up that isn’t your fault (or anyone ones really, the universe just deems it necessary). AND THEN MAYBE, I can read this whenever I feel like it’s too overwhelming.
And by list, I mean I’m going to start with one and end wherever I feel like it’s complete, which may be 32 or 79.
1. It’s okay to throw every picture of him into the trash and pour used cat litter on it. (And for those sticking frames, send them to the bag too).
2. It doesn’t make you a sad lump of wet dead leaf to check your phone every twenty minutes on the off-chance that he thinks he made a mistake even though you would have to sit there for three hours deciding whether to text back if he did text you because you know that half this feeling of sadness is a gut of relief.
3. Sometimes cereal for every meal is necessary. As my coworker said, “did you eat it with bourbon.”
4. It’s okay to text people and tell them you’re about to sleep for a really long time. And then remember that sounds like death and say “This is not a metaphor for death.” And they can respond about your last meal if they are particularly Biblical or find the whole conversation similar to the death penalty.
5. Probably don’t send a group text to your brother and cousin who acts like a brother.
6. Don’t delete the ex from your fantasy football league. That’s trivial. And then you get to beat him which causes underlying satisfaction.
7. It’s okay to feel sorry for your newest cat (two years old) that now she only has a single mother. You’re a damn good single mother. Beyonce should write a song about THAT shit.
8. Don’t throw the perfume he liked away because it’s expensive, and you smell good.
9. Buy yourself those new Nike Air Max. Then you can use the box as the “break-up box” and hide all those picture that you saved from wet cat litter death.
10. Pray he doesn’t have, or get, social media. If he does, block him and don’t look back.
11. Don’t think you’re going to be “friends.” Ain’t nobody ‘wanna’ be friends with you, boo boo.
12. DO wag your finger when your students say, “Someone did you wrong, who do we have to kill” and you say, “my. EX. boyfriend,” because all the girls already have hits out from the seven family members they have in and around the area that your ex is located.
13. Do not get overwhelmed by the plans you made with his face in them because there will be new faces. You were happiest in the moments you were single at camp and you’ll be happy in these single moments too.
14. Always have noise in the background. Or else you’re crying.
15. Don’t carry tissues. They’re just a fluffy excuse to cry.
16. Watch “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On” like 729 times, or the equivalent of how many times you said, “But …I love you” when you were trying to salvage the relationship you were just in.
17. Shave your legs in the winter.
18. Let the weather dictate your emotions for a while so that you don’t have to think about it.
19. Let the weather also dictate your clothing because no one needs to think about that in a breakup.
20. Hug your cats. Think about getting a dog. Don’t.
21. Eat more cereal.
22. If you’re sleeping, you’re already more successful than 59% of the people that go through a breakup. (72% of statistics aren’t true).
23. Talk to every old lady in your life. Old ladies give the best advice.
24. Write your book. It’s almost NaNoWriMo and you have all this time on your hands.
25. Eliminate all the time on your hands by filling it with a. cereal, b. loud noises, c. going for a run, or d. being awesome.
26. Don’t text his Mom that you’ll miss their family. This is a give-in.
27. Be shocked.
28. Sleep with a large number of pillows until you can ween yourself off.
29. Obsessively clean him out of your house. Or don’t.
30. Look at the empire you’ve built without that fool and remind yourself that you’re awesome.
31. Listen to Pharrell. Both on The Voice and on The Youtube.
32. “Lift your head when you’re down so you don’t drop your crown.”
33. Read really intense quotes by Washington Irving about tears.
34. Mindlessly cipher through Buzzfeed lists.
35. Don’t hug your cats because…they don’t like hugs.
36. Don’t wear anything but waterproof mascara because you will cry when you’re alone and you will cry hard. And black smudges on your sweatshirt cuffs just aren’t that cute.
37. Forget to change the laundry over for three days because, whoops. I should do that.
38. Wear purple lipstick. Hell, wear red.
39. Praise your celestial being that you didn’t get his name tattooed anywhere on your body (and that you never thought about it).
40. Don’t replay the last conversation like it’s as important as the last supper.
41. If you make it through one day, you’ll make it through 17. Just keep swimming.
42. Listen to your students when they say “Hocus Pocus” will be on ABC Family tonight and revel in the goodness in that.
43. Let your friends tell you their problems so you don’t have to think about your own.
44. Get your cards read. Checked that off my box yesterday and it was exactly what I needed.
45. Don’t read your horoscope. That stuff just makes you live in fear.
46. Don’t miss an opportunity to go out somewhere.
47. Have crushes on guys on television (Sons of Anarchy – HELLO).
48. This is the one time in your adult life that it’s okay to watch WWE because you need to slam something.
50. It’s okay to feel just like LaFern, your classroom plant. Sometimes your drowning, and other times you need someone to prop you up.
51. You don’t need a significant other to make you or break you. You just need to put your big girl panties on and hold that crap together. Except it’s not crap. It’s beautiful and sometimes hesitant, but now it’s definitely broken-in and it will be loved by all kinds of people.