I could NEVER be a Celebrity Because I Always Pee with the Door Open

How does anyone ever know which words in a Title to capitalize?  I guess a grammar book would really help me out with these kinds of things.

Really, this blog is about how I’m realizing my disgusting mannerisms after living at home for a while and watching myself in action.  Today, I even googled myself.  It was weird, but I found my friend Nick Nink’s blog because of it, so that was pretty awesome.  But really, I have some really nasty habits.  For instance, whenever I’m peeing, if I don’t think my dad is going to walk down the hallway, I pee with the door open.  And my parents never close the blinds in our kitchen and so the darkness is staring in at me and can probably see through the mirror what I hide below my underwear (it’s really not that exciting compared to all the things you’ve probably seen in your life).  And then of course, with all my Law & Order training, I started thinking about people hiding in the woods behind my house just to get cell phone pictures of my ass getting ready to sit on the toilet.  But then I’d definitely see the light of their cell phone, so I’d know.  And then I think, this must be how celebrities feel when they leave their blinds open for all the young neighbor boys to watch them change (that last part is what my mom says whenever she comes in my room in the morning asking if I change clothes with my windows open….the answer is YES).

The only time a neighbor boy would ever actually be staring, is probably Patrick (who moved, AND I saw in the slammer this week, which was weird…he looked angry as he usually is).  Otherwise, I’m 23.  Neighborhood boys who are seven, don’t yet hide porn under their mattress or in the dark corners of their closet, and they probably don’t stare up at my polka dotted bras and boy-short underwear. BUT, you never know.  I suppose I could be more careful, but I love when the sun comes in my room and I can read without turning the light on.

Who knows.

Onto other news, after years and years of despising Jodi Picoult (who actually looks really similar to me) and years and years of turning her books over in Barnes and Noble so people were less likely to pick them up based on the covers, I am finally trying to read one.  So, I know what exactly I should hate on.  AND THERE’S A TON.  (The book I chose was Nineteen Minutes because I’m into school shootings and crazy teen novels.  Not into them, just interested in the inner-workings).  First of all, one metaphor on a page should not be seen two pages later in a totally different situation.  WHERE IS THIS WOMAN’S EDITOR?  Second of all, I already read the non-fiction story by David Cullen of the Columbine massacre and so this school shooting is like just a replay of that book for me.  It’s okay to research your novel, but don’t just disregard one killer and then make it the exact thing as a real life situation.  And these characters, can we give them a little depth, a little life – I mean has anyone seen them breathe yet?!  I’m in 180+ pages and the only people breathing for me are Josie and Lacy.  I really thought, since everyone is so obsessed with this woman, and her supposed “gut-wrenching” novels that I should give her a chance so I at least know what I’m hating on and know if I’m wrong.  (It’s like when you want to complain about the President, but you didn’t vote…I mean, you have no right to complain if you didn’t do your duty as an American).  That’s how I feel now.  Now, that I’ve successfully finished half of this book and it’s absolutely terrible (and it’s not like a basketball game, for books that is, books don’t just pick up and become pieces of art in the second half…you know where they’re going after a hundred pages).  Jodi Picoult, I dislike you and your book-popping-out-my-ass-once-a-year collection of misfit novels.  And you need a new editor (I’m free).

Unfortunately, I must tend to this book since I’ve already spent a day on pushing myself through it and I can’t waste a day and put it down.  I’ll let you know if she’s a second-half novelist in a later blog.  But let’s put it this way, her team should have already been benched before the game started.

(I hope Gonzaga wins, and basketball is taking over my world.  GO DUKE).

2 thoughts on “I could NEVER be a Celebrity Because I Always Pee with the Door Open


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