I guess this could go for St. Patrick’s Day, or your mother-in-law’s birthday, or Halloween, or a really lit July 4th card-buying spree. I will in-tone write each of these as second options for those of you facing infidelity for the full calendar year – maybe even a new full moon infidelity card – we could get all witch craft and wonder on the blog today.
On this week’s Newsday Tuesday blog (or last week’s, I can never keep track) a few of you commented that I should write this blog.
So, I cater to the people. And the people want Caeser dead! Uhhh..or a blog about infidelity Valentine’s cards. In case you were wondering, this was a search term left on my blog last week “what to write in valentine’s card when dealing with infidelity.“
Because sh*t just got real.
And this comes from a professional penpal. I’ve been penpaling my Mom for my entire life, my best friends and I in high school kept notebooks that we passed back and forth between classes (this was during the texting boom and yet we still wrote our gel-liner hearts by hand) and I even did a month of letters on the blog two years ago where I made handmade letters and sent them out for the entire month of May…or March. I’m also a short paragraph postcard genius. This is the authentic stuff, it’s the real Mexican taco, it’s the money in guacamole.
Cheating 2nd grade Valentine’s mailbox card:
“Dear booger brains,
Check yes or no if I can kiss Tommy on the playground, next to the bike rack, but on the side closer to the bridge so that everyone playing trolls can see us, or do they play Mine Craft on the bridge on Tuesdays? Whatever, Jack, stop kissing Carly. I’ll be there at 2:22, if you don’t have a watch, I’ll wear my yellow boots. It might be raining. At least I think that’s what time we have recess. I have a bruise on my leg, gotta go ask for a bandaid. I kind of love you”
Cheating high school boyfriend (from the pocket of a creative writing angst girl):
Brandon (every girl’s worst nightmare to date for a significant period of time in high school),
Remember when you tried to punch Patrick in the face at that Leesville home game and Seth had to hold you back. Remember he just cuffed your arms like a maggot and you stood there writhing. I was rooting for Patrick. I could see your lips smacking, but his face was a stone puddle. I loved the lines of it, the way his jaw was curved like a sythe. He would have killed you.
And he’s single.
And he lives across the street.
So if making out in the car with Leslie is what you really want to do after school, your dirty electrical class hands cupping her obnoxious boobs, that’s fine.
Because, again, Patrick lives across the street.
So, eat shit. And die.
You’ll never get this sweet ass again.
(Just kidding, we’ll be back together in two weeks when you bring me a single rose to school and every girl swoons and I feel the unmistakable guitar string pluck to move back into that space where your arms make perfect pond circles around my waist).
– Queen C.
Cheating almost-boyfriend aka “the talking stage:”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You almost had me
BUT you ain’t got a clue.
Married man with side hoe:
Side hoe: Shouldn’t you be texting your wife?
Wife: Shouldn’t you be going out tonight with the side hoe, so I can go out with my friends? SINGLES AWARENESS DAY.
Wife who is inconsolable: AND WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T, HUH, MARCUS?
Wife who is wicked awesome: “Boys only want love if it’s torture.”
Wife who knows man is cheating and doesn’t care: Just going to watch another episode of “The Good Wife.”
Wife who is cheating too: Babe, uhh…I have to work late. I’ll meet you out for dinner tomorrow night. *clink clink*
Cheating man with a “psycho” girlfriend:
So today. I found this awesome link on reddit. And it made me want to join Tinder. I just called you 17 times and left four messages. Where are you, Scott? Make sure you read that link. Also, approximately when are you going to propose, three months or 78 days? I just want to make sure I have my friends all setup with the camera and everything. Try not to drink too much tonight. And I realize last week I bleached all of your clothes in the bathtub and tore the shower curtain that you loved off the wall (the one with the chemistry table…I forget what it’s called, high school was so long ago), but I want to get back baby. I also wrote you this song. Okay, I didn’t write it, but the words are so spot on.
Just remember how much I love you, okay? I’ve been hearing some things from people, but I know our love is like really, really, real. Like for real. Like FO’REAL. Like fo’rizzle. Woo, I’m getting off track. I just love you so much baby and you mean so much to me and I just know we’re going to have like the most perfect valentine’s day ever. (And the most perfect blue eyed children, oops did I say that out loud). Call me back so we can make plans. I got the cutest red underwear for whatever we’re doing because I know you like me to be decked out for the season. I’m ready whenever you are, baby. XXX.
Valentine to an ex-boyfriend who cheated:
*SELFIE WITH MY NEW BOYFRAN AND THE FLOWERS HE SENT #lovehim #loveofmylife #thehotness #engineerboyfriends #ringbychristmas
Girl who has her sh*t together and doesn’t date:
Basically, all of “Betches” on Instagram.
Cheating boyfriend on St. Patrick’s Day:
I hope you crisp up and flake this summer, homie. And that your freckles NEVER blend together.
Cheating boyfriend on Halloween:
Let’s TOTALLY go as a famous couple from something. Actually, let’s just go as that show “Snapped.” I’ll stab you 47 times and you bleed, K?
Cheating boyfriend on Veteran’s Day:
“I NEED A HERO! Holding out for a hero till the morning light!”
Cheating boyfriend on July 4th:
There’s no letter for this, just convince him to shoot a fire cracker from his butt. Boys actually love a good dare.
Cheating boyfriend on Thanksgiving:
Remember that time you loved my mom’s food and couldn’t wait to eat there again? Yea, that won’t be happening this year. Oh, and her chicken salad, in my fridge, which you will never taste. Go eat five pounds of turkey and bulge out in all those family photos your mom nervously takes on self-timer every year. Don’t forget to hide your new tattoo and pretend you’re still in school.
Cheating boyfriend on Christmas:
This is just wrong. If you’re going to cheat on Christmas, you have no soul. This also goes for the other major winter holidays Hanukkah, Festivus, Kwanza, etc.
Cheating boyfriend on the new moon:
My horoscope told me I was going to be rich, healthy, and a new man was in my future. NEW MOON, NEW MAN.
And that’s a wrap, folks. It was fun imagining being all these crazy women (I’m sure, SURE, I was one at one point or another. Let me be the July 4th girl). Hope it was worth the requests.